Junk Trip

The junky has to survive for the junky trip to succeed. And so the junk trip has to be short. The shorter the trip the more likely the junky will succeed. The junk trip is all about success, without success the junk trip is futile, a waste of time and effort. The junk trip should be no more than a day or two, a long weekend at the most. During this time the junky must keep a clear head and observe with Proustian fastidiousness the mechanics of the junk trip. It is advisable for the junky if he intends to succeed not to partake in junk.

A junky should always be good looking and if not good looking then the junky must be peculiar looking. The junky must not be disheveled and resemble some biblical prophet lost in the wilderness. The junky must be clean shaven, must have a chiseled chin, and must have a large nose. The reason for the large nose is twofold: there is the Sternean hypothesis that large noses pertain to large members and all junkies must have a large member in case porn or street hustle is a venue the junky has to endeavor while researching the junk life style, although watching a pornographic movie or walking down any street in any large city will suffice. The second reason why the junky must have a large nose is moot seeing as that the junky will not be sorting any kind of junk while sojourning in the junk world.

The only gangsters the junky should associate with should be corporate. Subterranean caves and the penumbrae should be out of the way places in quiet jazz bars and Starbucks, usually found next to the restrooms.

If there is a death as a result of junk the death should occur to an associate, a miscreant, a pariah, a worthless cog in the junk trip.

A junky must never lose his or her teeth. A junky without teeth cannot be photographed, either in color or black white.

Obesity is forbidden in the junk world so it is paramount that the junky diet but much better than dieting is an eating disorder. Remember it is all about the nadir of human emotion.

Clothes are very important to the junky. Other than the obligatory rock band t-shirt the junky must wear jeans, jeans being the symbol of rebellion. Cowboy boots or converse trainers both can work. After the junky has succeeded the junky must pick up a suit – a tight suit. It is paramount that the junky give off an air of respectability. The closer the junky is to the semblance of a local bank manager or cars salesmen the better.

If by an unfortunate accident or incident the junky has to hustle it is best if the junky performs the sex act alone or with a girlfriend or wife.

The junky must obtain an encyclopedic knowledge of rock music, beat poetry and beat writing. The junky must know all the drugs from a to z. It is advisable for the junky to have gone to college. Medical school or law school junkies have more chance of success.

If a criminal act has to be performed it is best to steal from Wal-Mart, Target, Macy’s, Best Buy, Gap, not Old Navy, not Dollar Stores or Oxfams. The criminal act must not injure the innocent – the innocent being, the working class, the lower middle class. A violent criminal act can be perpetrated against the very upper-class, the police, a prostitute.

The junky must have a girlfriend but boyfriends are preferred. The partner has to be a parasite but extremely exotic and good looking.

A big city is a must for the junky. A small town will not suffice. For the junk trip to work there has to be alienation in a crowded city. New York, LA, London, Paris are the best cities. With the rise of China as a superpower, any exotic city with a peculiar name found in China will work.

The junky trip can only succeed with a book and then a movie.

Next month: the hard man or how to properly use the word fuck.

Paul Kavanagh

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Paul Kavanagh is the author of The Killing of a Bank Manager.