The Bruce Willis Stare

Bruce Willis has a new film out, or several. I’ve seen the poster. The poster with Bruce Willis’ head on. He’s giving it the stare – the Bruce Willis stare. Is there anything better than the Bruce Willis stare? Bruce, I hope he won’t mind me calling him Bruce, has perfected it over the years. In Die Hard parts 1 to 25. In Pulp Fiction. Check out the stare in Lucky Number Slevin. Bruce has gotten older, and balder, but his stare has withstood the ice age (sorry, I mean the iCe age).

Remember when Bruce wanted to go to war? Got his Uzi ready and everything? Man I would’ve paid top dollar to watch Bruce shoot some bad guys in Afghanistan or wherever. I’d pay Bruce top dollar to shoot down a couple of my deadly enemies. Would he do it? I hear Hollywood doesn’t pay so well these days. Hence the 75 new films he’s having to stare in.

God, I love Bruce. I loved him when he was with Demi and they were Hollywood’s perfect bald couple. I loved him when he made a right cock of himself in Fifth Element. I loved it when he bared his cock to Jane March. I loved his early efforts in comedy. And I loved his deadpan catchphrases – “Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.” I loved his partnership with Sly and Arnie. The man’s a fucking legend. Who could beat Bruce in a fight to the finish? Batman? Forget it.

But I’m digressing. I want to talk about the Bruce Willis stare, the one thing that fans are guaranteed in every Bruce Willis film. It encompasses human experience, it cuts through bullshit, it is disbelieving, incredulous, inspiring, reassuring. It is a piece of genius DNA. It carries films. Never mind the billions producers spend on blockbusters, just pay Bruce his fee and watch everyone and everything around him play second fiddle. I want every film director out there to open their eyes to the possibilities: hire Bruce and your troubles will be over. Hire Bruce’s stare. You can’t CGI it. You can’t cartoon it. You can’t clone it. ‘A masterpiece, a thrilling ride, a genuine great night out.’

Bogdan Tiganov