do not read this, sing it!

do not read this, sing it!

it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. like beating drums, like beating screwdrivers, like beating your bishop, like beating the homeless. Nothing beats like beating the homeless. And if the homeless is a girl with a family problem it’s wonderful! it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. like moaning whores, like screaming junkies, like Kittens in the boiler. it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you and nothing moves you more than your feet and lecompte has been running with encolpius, ian brown, and pinkie. And those damn commas! She chewed upon brighton rock, you can see her upon the angel of the north. it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you and kinky catholic girls stir all. catholic another word for universal. And there’s orphans running wild everywhere. You can hear them singing, Over the rainbow or is it Somewhere there’s a home for us. Lecompte is a connoisseur when it comes to britpop. When lecompte is building brothels and nuthouses out of milk bottles she has her own topofthepops.

1. two whores can play at a different game.
2. life’s a zoo.
3. no strings and no flies.
4. beach scum.
5. care to corrupt me? fancy a shag?
6. a rambling slandering cocksucking emergency.
7. i hope you choke on that selfpity, miserable cunt.
8. no luck at the fair.
9. no flemish mercy.
10. Kittens in the boiler.

it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you and a cunt will move you, the cunt might be babylon, the cunt might be a kinky nightnurse, the cunt might be your boss. lecompte’s cunt will always move you with its rabelaisian emissions. Though there will be a charge! cunt is a strange word. cunte to the middle english. The germans said kunte. Lecompte just says cunt. Lecompte has forgotten how many times she’s been called a cunt but she still keeps going back for more. She’s like that russian hobo indestructible. lecompte is now a peddler of filth for there’s always a flemish geezer wanting ten copies it goes well with rotting, decomposing fish and the fishmongers are beating their fish because inside of the fish are semen. read job! Read ahab! it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you and nothing moves you more than Oliver with his bowl. Lecompte is fagin. Lecompte is the artfuldodger. Lecompte sucked the cock of bill sikes. Lecompte was nancy to sid. Lecompte’s been listening to too much Cohen pulling at the heartstrings again. lecompte has been upon that bed in that chelsea hotel. She’s been running with behan, thomas, mapplethrope. it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you and money will always move you. The sky is black bible black tar black asphalt black impenetrable unconjecturable. rain fells rain washes rain obfuscates rain ubiquitous O northern towns clinging to the feral sea. it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. nobody loves cock, worships cock, beats cock, annihilates cock more than Lecompte. She is Genet, she walks like Genet, her cunt was the cunt Genet dreamed of being while lying in his pisssoaked, cumstained prison bed. Lecompte speaks like Genet, Lecompte might even look like Genet, lecompte thinks she’s got bigger balls than Genet, lecompte fucks like Genet. Together they will skip, together they will fly kites. So let’s go fly a kite up to the highest height. Lecompte is Mary Poppins. Lecompte is the sugar on the spoon. Lecompte beats the nails into the hands of the christ. The christ is beautiful, just like wee andy. wee scottish vernacular for small. it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. Lecompte sings like Henry Miller. They’re not beautiful singers but it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. lecompte is like the pox, she is everywhere, down dark alleys, decomposing in prison cells, under the beds of whores, injecting you with your junk, spitting into your beer glass, pissing into your yawning mouth, shitting onto your food. Lecompte is mad, bad and dangerous to know. she is syphilis! And her brushes are stanley knifes. With that lovely instrument Lecompte composes her hymns to madness, destruction and wrath. Like Rimbaud Lecompte sat beauty upon her knee but lecompte fucked beauty with her beloved pen. Lecompte weeps for the poor, but give her a half charley and she’ll vandalize your face. it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. and lecompte moves us, compels us, to puke, shit, piss, drag the razor blade across our beautiful lives. Mirror mirror mirror on the wall who is the most … it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. Lecompte moves us, maybe with a kick in the balls, a punch on the face, a slap of the ass, but she still moves us! it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. she removed Abelard’s cock with her caustic tongue. She knows the ins and outs of nuthoses and she wears the purple of the coffin. Her cunt is a vorax, in there you will find, the brothers grim with Manchester swaggers, crooning pissheads, the pogues and nick cave, it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you, in there is Graham Greene and Jeffrey Bernard, the smiths and the jones, Ian Curtis and peter hook, the Haçienda, is Lecompte still dancing wildly like Tom bedlam in the moors on E? who cares! I’ll never listen to lola again, thanks lecompte. I’ll never visit Sheffield again nor will I devour mashed spuds again, thank you you lovely tart! it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. lecompte knows selby jr, the amazing Seth Morgan, the angels of dreg street. Here is the nadir, the violence, the reek, the failures, the perverts, rentboys, flastaffs, moll fanders sniffing glue, it’s all here, dare you to enter. If you go down to the woods today you’re in for a fucking surprise, it’s useless unless  unless unless it moves you. lecompte is the champion of the underdog, she beats, lacerates, attacks, fucks, sucks, fingers, licks EDITORS! it’s useless unless unless unless it moves you. and if I had a hammer I would hammer in the morning, hammer in the evening and hammer fucking lecompte all over the place.

__________________________________________________________
This piece first appeared here. Paul Kavanagh is the author of The Killing of a Bank Manager.