Manuscript Submissions, Tips from the Edge
It’s difficult. All the guidelines. Indent. Don’t indent. Double space. Leave some room. No attachments. Big attachments. Headers, footers, page numbers. Don’t let this put you off. Be positive. Perhaps you could follow my submission tips. Perhaps you could follow them to the letter. Perhaps.
1. Publishers, they like blood. Shows commitment, see. Cut off your fingers and post them with the submission. Undertake a recreational visit to the office first, check your fingers will fit through the letterbox. No emails please. They won’t believe a JPEG showing dismemberment. Cynics.
2. Promise the world. Promise champagne on yachts. Champagne from the actual Champagne region. Success, pet tigers, literary acclaim. Ingots of gold, medals, prizes, themed rides in theme parks, tiaras. Don’t go overboard.
3. Why are YOU the best person to write the book? It’s not good enough that you wrote it, that it is there; so brilliant; so now; so black and white. Justify your existence. Why were you born? What is the point of you? Promise more stuff from Point Two.
4. Marketing. You love it. Yes? You love it. You will infiltrate parties. Parties which are attended by people with a lot of clout. You know people, or at least you could get to know them. People asked you to write this book, remember? Or at least, they would have asked you. If they knew you. The Pope would have asked you, actors would have asked you, pop stars would have asked you. Of course, they will speak of your book to their fans. When you find these people. Then their fans will buy your book. Promise a few more things from Point Two.
5. Demonstrate that your interest in the publishing house is not due to sticking a pin in the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook 2010. Know everything about them. Names, addresses, spouses, children. Hostage-taking. Perhaps. Promise stuff from Point Two again.
6. Demonstrate correct usage of apostrophe. You are clever.
7. Genre. Similarities. Your book is similar to a book which is a bestseller. Pick a bestseller. Write a book which is similar. Everyone wins.
You may thank me later.