Being a Freelancer. Week One. Day One.
06:44 Wake up. Groan. Press snooze. Fall asleep again.
06:58 Wake up. Groan. Press snooze. Fall asleep again.
07:12 Wake up. Turn off alarm. Fall asleep again.
09:53 Wake up. Panic. Throw self from bed.
10:00 Make coffee. Become a little excited about what the day holds.
10:07 Switch on laptop. Switch on television. Stare at laptop for twenty-three minutes.
10:30 Note that Homes Under the Hammer is on. Watch Homes Under the Hammer.
11:30 Note that laptop has gone into hibernation mode. Press buttons and frantically rub mouse pad.
11:31 Realise that laptop is now turned off. Swear. Switch laptop back on. Check emails on smartphone.
11:34 Delete thirty-three emails from Groupon and online pharmaceutical companies.
11:35 Stare at laptop. Recall that secondary email account is linked to a freelance job site. Try to log into secondary email account. Realise have forgotten password.
11:36 Stare at laptop. Check Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Pornhub, MySpace and Bebo.
13:14 Check freelance writers’ jobs boards. Apply for blogging job.
13:38 Post something funny on Facebook.
13:48 Make coffee. Smoke seven cigarettes.
14:00 Make lunch. Eat lunch. Smoke rest of cigarettes. Think.
14.59 Check emails on phone. Cry.
15:07 Hear phone ring. Dive off sofa onto phone. Wrestle with phone. Answer phone. Note that it is mother and not a potential customer. Feel disappointed and bad about self.
15:15 Give self a talking to. Offer writing services to fifteen people on Gumtree. Apply for job as a train driver.
15:34 Start writing a novel.
15:35 Imagine self receiving Orange Prize for Fiction.
15:38 Imagine self spending rest of life with Robert Downey Jr.
17:01 Start writing a short story.
17:02 Start writing an article.
17:03 Start writing a poem.
17:04 Start a character table and timeline for novel.
17:05 Research magazines that buy short stories. Focus particularly on required word count.
17:06 Do word count on own short story.
17:07 Start inventing new board game.
17:08 Have a bath.
17:45 Set alarm. Have a nap.
18:45 Press snooze. Fall asleep again.
18:52 Press snooze. Fall asleep again.
18:59 Press snooze. Fall asleep again.
19:06 Wake up. Dismiss alarm. Make coffee.
19:13 Check time three times. Check to see if sun is over yard arm. Pour large glass of wine.
19:20 Check emails. Note email from print company offering discounted business cards.
19:21 Design business cards.
19:56 Order business cards, flyers, pens, keyrings, baseball caps and notebooks.
20.02 Pour large glass of wine.
20:07 Check writers’ jobs boards again.
20:12 Apply for three blogging jobs.
20:23 Pour a vodka. Drink vodka.
20:32 Frown at empty cigarette packet.
20:33 Consider going out to buy more cigarettes.
20:35 Search in all drawers for emergency cigarettes.
20:56 Find discarded electronic cigarette.
20:57 Clamp electronic cigarette between lips. Inhale. Sit down and stare at laptop.
21:04 Exhale. Cough. Flick through the electronic TV planner.
21:09 Turn off TV. Stare at laptop. Inhale.
21:10 Exhale. Cough. Pour a vodka.
21:15 Note that head is nicely fuzzy. Go outside to look at night sky. Feel creative. Consider insignificance of mankind in relation to universe.
21:19 Go inside. Pick up fountain pen.
21:20 Scribble three pages of illiterate prose. Feel smug.
21:29 Start building a website.
23:45 Decide to finish website-building tomorrow. Look at online preview of business cards.
00:00 Note typo on business cards. Order more, plus car sticker, appointment cards, chocolate bar wrappers and canvas bags.
00:06 Check online bank account.
00:15 Find old books. List them on eBay.
00:34 Open a new Word document.
00:35 Tap fountain pen on teeth.
00:37 Clean ink off teeth.
00:39 Open documents of all other work completed during the day.
00:42 Read then delete documents of all other work completed during the day.
00:45 Empty recycle bin to ensure documents will never be found.
00:47 Attempt to read illiterate mankind/universe prose in notebook.
00:56 Rip pages from notebook. Burn them.
01:04 Suddenly recall password for secondary email account. Log in.
01:05 Begin to scan through five hundred and forty-one emails in case one contains a job offer.
01:10 Fall asleep.
01:29 Wake with a start, due to email notification.
01:30 Check email. Delete email from Groupon.
01:31 Think of great things to do in the morning. Set alarm for 06:30