Dear Spammers,

I just wanted to write a letter thanking you for your phenomenal perseverance. You show real character in the way you just never give up, never give in, hoping that one day I would stumble, possibly while hungover, and click Approve instead of Delete. I may well do that for you, for that wonderful comment that so highly praises the great content of this site.

I must say, in my tasks of the day, I take particular delight in having to tick and trash endless spam comments on the Honest Publishing site. I especially revel in trying to work out whether a comment is real or not. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a giveaway when the comment starts with “Absolutely agree with” or “I was looking for this.” Let me give you a bit of advice, Mr Spam, people, unless they visit their favourite site, won’t jump up and down like a child in front of ice-cream to something they’ve just come across. Just a little tip for you there, Mrs Spam; aim for the middle ground, the grey spam.

The other amusing and oh so interesting element of scanning my daily spam are the websites and emails used in the spam comments. I’d love to say that home furnishings, personal blogs, finance sites, betting dens have anything to do with independent publishing but really they’re just an excuse for link building. I am so very sorry to let you down there, Emperor Spam, and would love to approve all your comments one day, especially the porn. Never mind, though, I highly appreciate the advice that you dish out there. Considering that spam insinuates mass junk, I’m amazed that you know so much about the layout of this site. Reading in the stars, reading in the spam; brings a tear to this cynical eye.

In case it’s not clear enough, let me tell you again, I really do look forward to the phenomenal bullshit that you’ve crapped across the Honest site today, Empress Spam. I take my hat off to you, your ethos is an inspiration to us all: if they don’t answer the door, crap on their floor.

Yours faithfully,

Bogdan Tiganov